CDC urges Americans not to kiss chickens

“OK, we’ve got this coronavirus thing pretty much done. People have got the message now: vaccination, wear masks, yadda yadda. What else is on the list?”

“Let me take a look. Hmm … how about chicken kissing? Shall we do that one next?”

“I dunno, is it a big public health problem?”

“Well, now that COVID-19 transmission rates are falling, people are going to be looking to let off steam a bit. And you know what that leads to.”

“Go right down to the old hen house, pick out a good-looking bird, and plant a big old smackeroo right there on its beak?”


“When you put it like that … OK, have someone type up a policy paper, throw together a few bullet points, and we’ll schedule a press conference for Tuesday.”

“Wait, wait, wait … we need a slogan. Something catchy that people will remember.”

“Hmm. How about ‘Lips that touch chicken will never touch mine.’?”

“Bit dated. And people might think it’s some kind of vegan thing and then we’ll have the poultry lobbyists on our case.”

“Maybe ‘This beak’s for pecking, not necking.’?”


“Chicken McNugget, don’t kiss and hug it.”

“Can’t use proprietary trademarks.”

“If you kiss a fella’ you won’t get salmonella … Chickens may look scenic, but they’re totally unhygienic … Don’t french hens … Licking chickens makes you sicken … If she’s got feathers, stay away from her nethers …”

“I – I’m sorry, what was that last one?”

“What rhymes with ‘cluck’? Wait, I’ve got it –”


“Perhaps we should just go with ‘Don’t kiss that, it’s fowl’.”

“You know what – OK, yeah, yeah, that’s fine. We’ll run with that. Call the design team and get some posters made up. And try to keep it tasteful.”