Software error misclassifies female airline passengers as children

“This is your captain speaking. I’d like to welcome you aboard this marginally-less-safe Tui Airlines flight to Majorca. We’ll be taking off in a north-westerly direction and struggling to reach our cruising altitude of 33,000 feet. Flight time will be approximately two hours and thirty minutes, assuming that the fuel holds out long enough for us to reach our destination.

Please exercise caution when moving about the cabin or opening overhead lockers because you all weigh about twice as much as you’re supposed to and any sudden movements could destabilize the aircraft. After we reach cruising altitude, our cabin staff will be moving through the cabin to bring you tea, coffee, snacks and other light refreshments, with the emphasis on the word ‘light’.

Please do keep your seatbelt fastened at all times in case we encounter unexpected turbulence. Or mountains.

On behalf of Tui Airlines, I would like to apologize for the miscalculation that led to us being launched into the blue with an entirely inadequate fuel supply. Apparently the people responsible for planning saw a passenger manifest composed only of adult males and female children and didn’t think there was anything odd about that. Maybe they just assumed it was a Jeffrey Epstein charter flight or something.

We’ll be touching down somewhere in the vicinity of Majorca at around 11PM local time. If you’d like to get some sleep now, our flight crew will wake you shortly before both engines flame out and we enter our descending death spiral. Thank you again for choosing Tui Airlines: we appreciate your custom and never forget that you could have decided to fly instead with an airline that can actually do math.”