White House seeks to discredit Fauci
In an unusual move, the White House has leaked a document designed to discredit a leading member of its own coronavirus task force, NIAID director Dr. Anthony Fauci.
A White House spokesman said that there was concern that Dr. Fauci had sometimes been wrong in his recommendations. “In these uncertain times, what the American people are looking for is consistency,” the spokesman said. “Dr. Fauci has sometimes said one thing and then, as new information comes in, he’s revised his advice to reflect the new facts. People find that confusing. Whereas the President has been 100% consistent throughout. At all times, on every single point, he’s been reliably wrong. Whether he was ignoring the threat, claiming the virus would disappear by itself, pushing a ‘cure’ that turned out to be not only useless but sometimes lethal, or simply babbling inanities about bleach and sunlight, President Trump has always been 100% incorrect. And I think that people find that very reassuring. These are worrying times, but knowing that each time the President opens his mouth, he’s going to say something completely asinine, that gives Americans a much-needed sense of certainty.”
The spokesman declined to discuss ways in which the President planned to be wrong in future, urging everyone simply to be patient. “The President is a tremendously creative thinker. It’s impossible to predict exactly what he’ll say next. He might tell us that the virus was created by Hillary Clinton in the bathroom of a Motel 6. He might recommend covering yourself from head-to-toe in mustard as protection against the virus. What we can say with certainty, however, is that he will be as wrong as he’s always been, and that any recommendations he makes will be at best useless, at worst actually dangerous. And I think that’s important. If, at this late stage, the President were to start saying things that were actually sensible and well-informed, people would find that unsettling. So it’s not going to happen.”
Neither Dr. Fauci, Hillary Clinton, or the SARS-CoV2 virus could be reached for comment at press time.