Brexit: Government rejects calls for second EU referendum

The government has responded to the petition you signed, "EU Referendum Rules triggering a second referendum."

"The European Union Referendum Act received Royal Assent in December 2015, receiving overwhelming support from Parliament. Just as we were too clueless then to see that framing a complex issue as a simple yes/no question and playing into the hands of political opportunists and flag-waving race-baiters was probably a poor idea, we are now too spineless and inept to make even the smallest effort to unscramble the raging clusterfuck we have created.

Based on expert advice, the government has determined that it would be, if not actually unlawful, certainly tiresome and inconvenient to try to do anything about this whole shitshow. The government has therefore concluded that the best course of action, having thrown the match down, is to shrug indifferently and sprint away from the resulting conflagration, pretending we had nothing to do with it and leaving someone else to clean up the mess.

The Referendum was one of the largest democratic exercises in British history, one in which a significant proportion of British voters expressed their unambiguous support for sovereignty, self-determination, and having all those Polish wankers who are all over the place just now fuck off back to Warsaw at the earliest possible opportunity. The government notes in particular that any attempt to show a little spine at this late stage might further alienate those voters who voted to Leave, driving them into the arms of that oily little turd Farage and his goose-stepping 'Little England' friends. This is something that the government – already struggling for popular support as it tries to decide which of the two icy-hearted neo-liberal hell-bitches currently vying to be party leader it should cram down the throats of the electorate next – considers entirely unacceptable.

As the Prime Minister made perfectly clear in his statement to the House of Commons, many of the architects of this unequalled disaster have already left politics to take up jobs as city directors and newspaper columnists, or to spend more time at their private residences with a severed sow's head. Neither they, nor anyone who remains, has the slightest interest in trying to undo the unnecessary catastrophe created by the recent dick-size war between two prominent Old Etonians. It is the government's firm and nearly unanimous opinion that the government isn't about to touch that, no way José. While the government notes that the vote to Leave has had a significant impact on the British economy, with the pound currently trading at near-parity with the Albanian lek, the government anticipates that continued uncertainty over a possible exit would only make things worse for government members and major donors now desperately trying to move their assets overseas. It is therefore the government's position, supported by the results of detailed studies conducted by the Civil Service, that about all we can usefully do for the United Kingdom now is to put a bullet in its head and saunter away whistling.

The die is cast. The shit has hit the fan. We must now prepare for the process to exit the EU with as much calm, British stoicism and grimly-resigned fatalism as possible. The government wants nothing more to do with any part of this whole goatfuck rodeo. While the government respects the concerns of citizens looking forward to a future in which the shattered fragments of the United Kingdom enjoy the approximate strategic and economic importance of Bangladesh, the government will be seriously buggered if it lifts so much as a little finger to slow the nation's swift descent into murderous anarchy and economic irrelevance."