ISIS Helpline

Thank you for calling ISIS Support. All calls may be monitored for quality assurance and training purposes. Please listen carefully to the menu as some options may have changed.

If you would like assistance with acts of terror against civilian populations, please press 1. If you require general advice on explosives or firearms, please press 2. If you would like to volunteer as a suicide bomber, press 3. For an inspirational text justifying the beheading of nonbelievers and apostates, press 4. For all other options, please remain on the line.

All of our agents are currently assisting other terrorists. Your fanaticism is important to us. Please continue to hold, and a representative will be with you shortly.

All of our agents are currently assisting other terrorists. Your fanaticism is important to us. Please continue to hold, and a representative will be with you shortly.

All of our agents are –

– ISIS support, Abu Omar speaking. It will be my pleasure to assist you in chastising the infidels today. Before answering your question, I would like to verify your identity. Please can you tell me your name in jihad?

And the name of your emir?

Excellent. Finally, could you please tell me the name of the town where you first heard the call to jihad?

I'm sorry, that does not match the information that I have on file. Would you like to try another question?

OK, what was the make of the vehicle used in your first car bomb?

Thank you, Mr al-Ammani. How may I help you today?

I see. I am sorry to hear that you are having difficulty with your suicide vest. Have you tried depressing the plunger with a sharp downward motion?

Yes, of course. In that case, have you verified that the wires are all connected and that the battery is charged?

To test the charge, you will need to disconnect the battery from the vest and –

– yes, Mr al-Ammani, I understand. Please be patient with me. I understand that you are eager to blow yourself up. Just bear with me, and I'll have you off to the Paradise of the Martyrs as soon as possible. Now, with that model of vest, it is sometimes possible to –

I'm sorry, Mr al-Ammani, I do realize that this is a stressful moment for you, but I must ask you to remain polite. I do not think that the Prophet, peace be upon him, would want you to use that kind of language to a brother who is trying to help you –

– I'm sorry, but my supervisor is currently directing the destruction of some irreplaceable treasures looted from an ancient archaeological site. Would you like me to escalate you to our second-line support?

Thank you. Please remain on the line while I trans –

Mr al-Ammani? Hello, are you still there? Can you hear me?

Hello?

Thank you for calling ISIS Support. It has been my pleasure to assist you in jihad. If you are still alive and would like to complete a short survey about your call today, please press the '#' key now …