The Pirate Finder General

(Sung to the tune of Gilbert & Sullivan's "Modern Major General")

I am the very model of a Pirate Finder General
My remit runs from a to z, from animal to mineral
The government has issued me with pow'rs plenipotentiary
To seize you and to pack you off to any penitentiary.

I'm perfectly remorseless in pursuit of things piratical
I'm always in the office and I never take sabbaticals
You'd be amazed at all the powers that are vested in this entity
To compromise your systems and reveal your identity.

The doctrine of Fair Use I condemn as quite erroneous
And probably harmful if not actively felonious
And though my own position may in time prove quite ephemeral
For now I am the model of a Pirate Finder General.

I'm not above resorting to intrusive tricks and hackery
If I chance to be confronted by a lock to which I lack a key
I recognize no boundaries either moral or international
At times my hate for piracy approaches the irrational.

I interpret legal precedents with admirable latitude
For which my true employers never fail to show their gratitude
I'm a salaried employee of a corp'rate aristocracy
And at times my mere existence makes a nonsense of democracy.

I exist to serve the interests of a privileged minority
By whom I have been granted quite extraordinary authority
My jurisdiction ranges from the local to the federal
In short, I am the model of a Pirate Finder General.

My attitude to human rights is simply reprehensible
I prosecute whole familes for reasons indefensible
I terminate connections be they wired or ethereal
And consider all objections to be strictly immaterial.

Although you may deplore the fact and label it regrettable
I find the rule of law to be entirely forgettable
If it has any virtues, I must confess I've never known 'em
For I've always held that capital's the only summum bonum.

I'm answerable to no one, I enjoy complete autonomy
In my tireless crusade against foes of the Economy
And though my own position may in time prove quite ephemeral
For now I am the model of a Pirate Finder General.