Storm Worm III ... with a vengeance

OK, so how big is this Storm Worm? Could it, like, eat Tokyo?

I don't think so. You see, the worm is actually electronic. It's a virus that infects computers.

It's electronic! Brilliant! I love it, I love it. So we've got this giant robot worm, and it's heading for Tokyo! Smash! New York is next! Now, how's Matt Damon going to stop it?

What we usually do is reconfigure our routers to try to stop the SYN flood …

There's a flood? This gets better and better! Now, this flood, I'm picturing it as a kind of giant tidal wave that the worm creates as it swims across the Atlantic Ocean. And this immense wave is sweeping towards Manhattan. And Jessica Alba's in the Empire State Building. And she can see the wave coming, but there's no way that Clive Owen can reach her with his helicopter before it hits, so she's running up the stairs trying to reach the roof. In these really short shorts and a crop top and we've got a hand-held cam just locked on her ass all the way to the top! Incredible! Now, who made this worm? Aliens? Terrorists?

Well, we think they're probably Russians …

Russians! Pure genius! Of course it's the f___ing Russians! And the leader is this ice-cold cyber-hacker special forces dude, he's ex-KGB and he's like eight feet tall with dyed blond hair, and at the end of the movie, he and Bruce Willis are fighting on top of the worm, as it's thrashing around in the flooded ruins of New York! Wham! Splash! Thump! Take that, Ivan!

That's not quite …

You're right, you're right. He's gotta have a motivation. Why's he doing this? Why did he build this worm?

It's used to sell penis enlargement pills and mortgages.

Mortgages. Mortgages … Mortgages … No, I'm not seeing it. Let's just say that he hates our freedom, and we can sort out the details later …