Papers give peek inside al Qaeda in Iraq

Computers and files seized from a senior member of Al-Qaeda in Iraq have given a fascinating picture of the detailed, often bureaucratic, planning procedures used by the group.


Wait ... wait ... what are you doing?!

We're setting up an ambush, sheikh.

An ambush? Have you filled out an 'Intent to Engage the Infidels' form?

I need to fill out a form to attack the Americans? Are you insane?

You need - wait a minute, what on earth is that?

That's our booby trap, sayyid ... sixty old artillery shells in the back of a truck, command-detonated from a distance.

And who authorized the expense?

Authorized the expense? There was no expense. The shells were just lying around. And we stole the truck from a local farmer.

With a full tank of gas?

Well ... no.

Ah hah - so you refueled it, didn't you? Let me see your fuel chits.

Sheikh, please ... we don't have time for this. The Americans are coming.

Oh, this is very bad. I can't find any escape plan filed, and my calendar shows that the Righteous Swords of Vengeance group have booked the nearest safe-house for an inter-unit table tennis competition through to the twenty-sixth. I will need to report this to the planning committee.

Sheikh ...

... that man - his uniform does not conform to regulations. Black hoods may only be worn for beheadings. The rules are quite clear on this.

Sheikh ... the helicopter! American helicopter!

What kind of helicopter? You can't just shout 'helicopter' - the Aircraft Monitoring Team requires a full report of any sighting, including make, model number, direction of flight, time observed. Let me give you an example: Hellfire missile, AGM-114, direction of flight, towards observer, 10:33AM ... time to impact estimated at ... seventeen seconds ... now, where did he go? It is contrary to regulations to leave a briefing conducted by a senior officer without permission. No wonder we're losing this -

- okapi :: Current Affairs :: 11 June 2008